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How to Meet a Guy (in Seven Innings or less)- New York Edition
By Jeannie O'Conor

One of the problems we have as divorced women is how to meet attractive, desirable men. It's difficult; I'm not gonna lie to you. Your old aunt or your mom's tactless friend will casually toss off how you're more likely, as a divorced woman on the wrong side of thirty-especially if you, God forbid, have kids- to be killed by a terrorist, while holding your winning million-dollar lottery ticket, as Ryan Gosling pushes you out of the way of a moving taxi.

But you know better. You've still got it! You do Pilates twice a week, and you haven't eaten a carbohydrate since 2004. You even drink skinny margaritas, instead of the good kind! Even better: the empathy, inner strength, and sense of humor you've gained from living through such an emotionally trying ordeal has made you a More Interesting Person than those bimboes all the vapid, be-suited Wall St bankers and hedge fund managers drag around in their five-inch heels and band-aid skirts. Besides, you have a great hair colorist and 3% spandex in your jeans, and you can hold a conversation without using the word "like" more than 13 times. You won't have any problem at all finding a nice man.

WRONG!!!!! It is HELLA-hard to find a decent man these days, and all of the good ones are eithertaken or gay. Sure, you could go on Match.com, or any one of a number of online sites that something like 9 out of 10 marrying couples used to find a mate- but you will be setting yourself up for a world of crashing disappointment and shattered dreams. This is why: only the loser-kind-of-men go on those sites, or the booty-trolling men. Either they are pathetic/short/unemployed/fucked-up/terminally weird, and can't find a date in the real world, or they are just looking for an easy, desperate piece of ass. Unjaundiced by personal experience in this area, I dabbled briefly in Internet dating- and quickly ran screaming from that shit-show. I won't waste your time by going into this. Just trust me.

So what should you do if, you poor sap, you haven't given up on the idea of Finding True Love? I have found the answer, but it will only work if you have an athletically minded child who is willing to step in as your pimp. Sign him (or her, if you're lucky) up for a travel team, or some kind of organized, competitive sports team that meets at different venues around Manhattan. You can't swing a dead cat in Chelsea Piers without hitting a sexy, sleepy-eyed weekend dad, and they are at their most sweet, vulnerable, and defenseless at 8 am on a Sunday morning. They are likely not to have a 25-year old girlfriend who works in PR, because she wouldn't put up with that shit. If they can afford for their kid to play travel soccer, they are likely to be gainfully employed. They won't be put off by your having kids, because…hell, they do too, and besides, your kid could teach theirs a thing or two about bicycle kicks! AND, if they are up looking sexy at 8 am, they are unlikely to be an alcoholic/junkie/crackhead, though they could have OCD. In that setting, you'll be unlikely to drink too many skinny margaritas and put out too early, and if you play your cards right you could parlay your chance meeting into an impromptu pot-game picnic in the Park.

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