Long ago, at a time when I was feeling particularly sorry for myself, I visited an old high school friend who I hadn't seen for quite a while. Bob had no job, few friends, and lived alone above a pizza joint in a postage stamp apartment cluttered with dirty dishes. Stepping into his place I immediately felt better about myself, as nothing boosts a depressed guy's spirits more than hanging with someone worse off than he is.
I'm not suggesting you find somebody worse off to hang with. I'm reminding you that we all have our issues. Some are worse than others, but usually there are simple things we can do to help ourselves. For instance, I bet Bob would have felt better just by washing his dishes.
That being said, let's not pretend your problems are insignificant. Luckily for you, you know your issues and are determined to better yourself, and that's half the battle. The other half is stopping the pity party and doing the hard work needed to fix the problems.
You've pinpointed your drinking as your number one stumbling block, and you are right to contend with it immediately. It won't be easy, but nothing will change until you get a handle on it. I bet there's an AA meeting happening near by later today and I suggest you check it out.
Secondly, as you might have realized from experience, fiery relationships like yours and Kenny's aren't always conducive to stable, long term bonds. Passion can produce great sex, but it can also bring cops to the door. For that reason, I agree with your mantra that splitting with Kenny was a good thing.
As for his chronic cheating and lying, (for which he gave a flimsy explanation that you blithely accepted) once you find a way to boost your self-esteem, (i.e., by quitting booze) you'll be less apt to let yourself be a victim. Make no mistake, letting yourself be trampled on will beget more trampling. In the future, stand up for yourself and put your foot down. Giving in to misbehaving boyfriends because you'd feel lonely without them is just plain sad.
Lastly--and admittedly I may be dead wrong here--I wonder about the type of entertainment you are in. Why was Kenny so insecure about it? If by "entertainer" you mean "stripper", you might consider a more stable line of work, especially if you're serious about getting off the sauce.
I'm confident that with perseverance and a willingness to better yourself, you will find a way. Start with the simple things. Just as Bob would have helped himself by doing his dishes, I bet you'd feel better by bringing in your clothes from the car. So start there.
Bring in the clothes, put on an outfit that makes your feel good about yourself, and then run to an AA meeting. Nuff said.
Thanks for playing,
John
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