Dear John,
A couple of years ago I lived with a guy who was great in the beginning but then got very dull. When we first met he took me to cool places and bought me jewelry and loved having sex with me. Over time he seemed more interested in getting ahead in his job, while the affection I got was mostly from my cat.
I was getting a lot of attention from someone at my work. Eventually we had sex and the guy I was living with found out and dumped me. But that was okay because the new guy and me were falling in love. We started going out officially and had sex all the time, exactly how a relationship should be.
Last week I caught my new boyfriend cheating on me and now I'm devastated. I can't figure out why he did it. It's understandable why I cheated on my old boyfriend, but why would the new one cheat on me when the relationship was so strong?
Signed,
He Done Me Wrong
Where to begin? Your self-centeredness? Your sense of entitlement? Your immaturity? All good discussion points, but let's start with your cluelessness about what makes a relationship strong.
Solid relationships have little to do with being taken to cool places or being bought jewelry, and they are not based on sex. They are about mutual respect, trust, shared values, common goals, realistic expectations, various forms of intimacy, commitment, compromise and other long-term solidifiers. You seem to have mistaken good sex with love, which indicates just how in the dark you are.
It's true that couples with strong bonds may likely share good sex, but their mutual desire is not the basis of their strong relationship; it is a byproduct of it. Most people are clued into this by 8th grade or so, but maybe back then you were too busy under the bleachers with guys you thought would love you if you put out, and never got the memo otherwise.
To justify your cheating by saying your old boyfriend didn't pay enough attention to you is ridiculous. Almost as ridiculous as being confounded that your new boyfriend would do the same to you. You left what appears to be a mature relationship for one based on deception and lust, with a person as selfish as you. You got what you deserved.
When you can understand why your new relationship was doomed to fail, and why you got your comeuppance after entering into it, you will be ready to take on a more grown up connection. Until then, do us men a favor and keep your affection directed to your cat.
Thanks for playing,
John
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