Dear John,
I have loved the same guy for many years. We were buddies first, then became best friends, then dated exclusively for two years. Every phase was magical. I developed feelings for him I'd never had and lost my heart completely and gladly. He lost his to me as well.
Earlier this year we went through a painful, mutual break up which stemmed from the one issue we never got over. He does not want children while I want like ten of them. We had periodic battles over this issue but neither budged an inch. The fact is, I can't see my life fulfilled without being a mom. Unfortunately, he feels as strongly about not wanting to be a dad.
Now that we've broken up, I am a mess without him. It is painful because we are perfect in every other way. I almost want to say okay, no kids, but my heart will not let me go that far. Meanwhile, we still see each other on occasion, and each time we have passionate encounters beyond imagination. But after coming up for air we still have the same stumbling block and say goodbye again. I love his touch and his way, but I'm not sure I can go on like this because it gets more agonizing each time we part. What do you think I should do?
Signed,
Come and Go Blues
The sadness of your predicament is matched by your understanding of it. Ultimately, this self-knowledge will force you to stick to the correct decision and help alleviate your pain.
There aren't many deal breakers in love. Your parents don't like your mate? So what. You practice different religions? Big deal. You have demanding careers? Who cares. But when one of you wants kids and the other doesn't, that can be a deal breaker. If you acquiesce on this critical conflict, you may forever feel unfulfilled, and blame your partner for your discontent.
This is a highly personal decision, but if you are as convinced that there is no changing his mind as you are of needing children, then your only choice is to say goodbye.
As for your occasional hook ups, I think you realize they are counter-productive. Making tough decisions is hard, but sticking to them can be even more challenging. Continuing to see each other is making parting more difficult, so don't do it. Only when you cut off your love relationship permanently will you be able to move forward consistently.
As hard as it is, I suggest you say goodbye and set the clock at zero. And when you eventually feel the warm bliss of motherhood blooming within you, you will realize that time heals all wombs.
Thanks for playing,
John
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