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Dear John,

     I have a problem. I fell in love with my f**k buddy. We are (were) just friends, so all the usual relationship "rules" didn't apply. We didn't talk on the phone much anyway, we just got together whenever. So, the "not calling" thing never was an issue. We were just friend's "with benefits". Problem is, I started getting more serious, and saying things that were more "girlfriendy". Well, he went AWOL on me... And I haven't seen or heard from him in quite awhile. His behavior was not "friend like" but more "boyfriend like" in the way he just disappeared. Now all I can think about was the nights spent laughing, singing (yes, singing), talking about everything, and of course the amazing sex. How can I move on?

Friend No More

Dear Friend No More
     The tone of your letter indicates you knew the rules of the Fuck Buddy game getting into it, so why be surprised he'd go AWOL after you changed the rules midstream? You shouldn't chastise him for taking off and "acting like a boyfriend" when it was you who suddenly acted like a clingy girlfriend.

Entering into a Friends with Benefits relationship is not for the feint of heart. It only works properly (or improperly as the case may be) when both parties are clear on the rules. And the rules are, there are no rules accept one: Don't fall in love! You hook up, you have sex, you even sing a duet if that floats your mutual boat; but you don't expect flowers the next day and you don't complain when he doesn't come knocking on your door for a few weeks.

Typically it's harder for girls to maintain this type of casual sex relationship than guys because girls are wired more emotionally, while guys are physical-minded. Think ballet vs football. Guys are happy to find a girl who likes football over ballet, because she's also the one more likely to give a no-strings BJ on the couch during Sunday's Jets/Patriots game. For the most part though, girls prefer sentimental movie remakes of Jane Austin novels to football games, so they need to be careful when entering into the non-sentimental Fuck Buddy zone.

If you want to move on without him, do just that. Que sera sera, C'est le vie, and all the rest.

If you want a simpler, no sex, friendship with your former FWB, the more casual you are in your dealings with him, the more likely he'll be up for a casual relationship. Tell him no hard feelings and you hope to see him around sometime.

If you're hoping to rekindle the Fuck Buddy routine, you'd be wise to reassure him you had no intention to tie him down (unless you crazy kids were into that along with all the singing). Tell him you miss the laughter and talking. If the sex was as amazing as you say it was, my guess is he'll be knocking on your door again in no time.

Lastly, if you've truly fallen in love with him, his disappearance should be proof that he's not interested in that type of relationship. Chalk it up to a lesson learned. There's no loving in the Fuck Buddy game.

Thanks for playing,

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